Thursday, October 8, 2009

Lifting My Face...

In my darkest hour, I felt Him lift my face. "I love you" He said. But how could that be true? How could a Savior, so perfect, love me? A wretched, sinful, disgusting, self centered, prideful, vain woman. I have always known His love, yet I took it for granted. Turned my back on Him, knowing that I truly knew better. I was so angry with could HE allow me to suffer? I have known Him since I was seven, and though not perfect, I loved Him. Yet He would allow me to suffer...why? So I took control. I decided I would make my own way. I would figure out my path, I certainly did not need Him anymore...and while I made my own way, and sinned my own sins, He waited, and He loved me. When my choices led me to the brink of death, He waited and...He loved me. And when I felt Him lift my face in His hands, I knew. I knew I had finally come to the end of myself, the place I needed to be in order to truly understand His love for me and my love for Him. A Savior who loved me so much that He would give His very life for me, and even after I became His, He knew I would stray, yet He loved me so much, He waited...and when I was on my knees, He took my face in His hands and whispered, "I love you and I forgive you."

Living in forgiveness is not as easy as it sounds, I sit with tears streaming down my face, two years later, still trying to figure out how to do it. The guilt overwhelmes me, takes my very breath away, and many times the enemy whispers to me that I will never be anything more than my sins. Sometimes I believe it. Yet, I know its a lie. I know that my Jesus paid it all, that His sacrifice is more than enough. That His blood was shed for me...what a precious blessing, for there is nothing I could do to earn His favor, only by His grace... But, oh, it is hard to heal...the thorn I am left with is all too real. Some days I am thankful for it, but most days I curse it. It will never leave me, and its purpose I do not yet understand.

The only thing I do know tonight, is that my Jesus loves me and somehow He will do mighty things through this woman. And so I submit, I seek and I wait, knowing that He is forever faithful...

1 comment:

  1. And there you have it, the unfathomable! Oh how I wish I were there to hold your hand or at the very least, drink a nasty cup of coffee and make massive amounts of snot! Seriously, your heart is so very precious, to the Lord, to me and to those around you who know the pain you carry with you. This is not all in vain. Making plans still...looking promising! I love you my sister. Maybe one of these days we will get up the courage to TALK to each other? I miss your voice.