I haven't posted in quite some time. It's not that I haven't thought of it, I really have many times. It's just that, honestly, I have been journeying through a season of change that has been overwhelming. It has been hard to gain perspective, hard to see through the fog, hard to settle my feet amidst the busy schedules. I haven't wanted to write about discouragement and disappointment. The Lord calls me to be filled with joy...but honestly, lately, I have been far from joyful. Seems I have been spending more time filled with anxiety and fear, searching for answers, and really just trying to steady myself. It wasn't working very well. Really, it wasn't working at all.
What worried me the most however, is that during this season, I felt a distance from the Lord. I was conscious of it, but felt it was out of my control. I was definitely worried about it, because deep in my soul I know I am nothing without Him. That I need Him for my very next breath, yet I found myself seeking Him less and less, and relying on myself more and more. I don't know if you've been there before, or maybe you're there now, but I know exactly where relying on myself leads to...a huge pit.
The beautiful thing about our Savior is that He is faithful to love us. He loves me even when I am spinning out of control, even when I am full of myself, even when I am depressed over the "distance" between us. So depressed that I wallow in self pity and wonder "where are you in this Lord?" I am reminded of the passage in Scripture where Moses is too tired to hold up his staff any longer. To summarize the story, Moses has to rely on his friend to hold up his arms in order to support the staff. This picture reminds us of the importance of lifting one another up, not physically, but spiritually. And I am sure some sisters have been lifting me up lately...
A few days ago, I was visiting with my mom. I shared with her the distance I was feeling from the Lord and she handed me a book. It's little and red and its titled "Crazy Love...Overwhelmed by a Relentless God" by Francis Chan. I have to tell you, it was a gift to me from the Lord. The entire book (and its just perfectly short!) is about being in love with Jesus. In fact it's almost a guide to being obsessed with Jesus. He has stirred my soul, renewed my strength, and guided my path. He has deepened my desire to live like the disciples, to be in love with my Savior, and to love others as He does. He has given me a purpose like no other...to live my life a sacrifice to my King.
I want to leave you tonight with one of my favorite quotes from the book:
"Obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don't always make sense in terms of success or wealth on this earth. As Martin Luther put it, 'There are two days on my calendar: this day and that day'"
Thank you Jesus for your crazy love for me!
Thanks for the book, mom:)